I belong to an online recovery group for idiots codependents dealing with addiction in their lives. I now have my very own collection of three addicts, past and present. I’m thinking about getting them bronzed, I just don’t think I have enough shelf space.
Anyway, on the sidebar of said recovery group is a link to The Daily Om. I often click through and read whatever three paragraphs of wisdom are being offered, but most of the time my response is, “yeah, read it before. I mean, that’s cool, and I totally agree, but tell me something I don’t know.” You know, because I’m already enlightened, and bored with it already.
Today, however, was to be a little different for me. I was really really struggling with some pain around addiction. I was feeling really tired and fed up and a whole lot of pissed off that I had been a victim of addiction in my life. In fact, just hours before I read today’s Daily Om, I had my face squashed into a pillow and I was crying and yelling at God. Oh yeah, sometimes God needs a good stern talking to by a little 5 foot woman with a mighty big anger.
It seemed to me that there were only two sides in addiction. Addicts, and everyone else. Addicts got to play all sorts of mind-f**k games with everyone else, they got to be forgiven their repeated transgressions, and if things got too painful, they always had their disease to sink back into. Oh hey, I get it (not really) that addicts are suffering too, but I’ve been in both rooms (not as an addict, just as an observer) and I see addicts crying about resisting their addiction and that’s about it. Then I see everyone else crying about lost money, lost relationships, wrecked cars, lost lives of loved ones, bringing their children to the jail to visit their addicted parent, and so on. Point is, it all seemed so outrageously UNFAIR to me, and I’ve been stuck in that for quite a while. So stuck that it was eating me up from the inside out and tonight I was all in a rage with God. Not that I believe in the God of the bible, but my God. God is merely a convenient word for me to sum up the Divine. And it sounds way more dramatic to say, “Oh God, WHY?”, instead of “Oh Divine, why for art thou punishing me so?” (I totally botched that, didn’t I?)
Then I read a friend’s post about God and how she too doesn’t believe in the God of the bible, but could not imagine having made it through her recovery without her connection to whatever that is that she calls God. And I was all, hmmmm, that sounds nice, but no, I’m not there. Then I read the Daily Om, and I was all, CRAP! At that point, my raging into my pillow was sandwiched between two messages about connecting with the Divine. Hoo boy.
Apparently, it’s all my fault too. Just read…
We all experience periods where we feel separated from the loving ebb and flow of the universe. These times of feeling disconnected from the source may occur for many reasons, but self-sabotage is the most common cause for us choosing to cut ourselves off from the flow of the universe. We purposefully, though often unconsciously, cut ourselves off from this flow and from the embrace of humanity so we can avoid dealing with painful issues, shun the necessary steps for growth, or prevent the success that we are afraid of achieving from ever happening. When you choose to disconnect from the source, you block the flow of the universe’s energy from passing through you. You become like a sleepwalker who is not fully awake to life, and your hopes, plans, and dreams begin to appear as distant blurs on a faraway horizon. Universal support has never left you, but if you can remember that you became disconnected from source by choice, you can choose to reconnect.
Reconnecting with the universe grounds you and is as easy as you making a concerted effort to become interested in the activities you love or responding to what nurtures or stimulates you. You may also want to make a list of the activities and kinds of experiences that touch your soul. Try to pinpoint the times when you have felt fully engaged and aware and ask yourself what you were doing. But one of the easiest ways to reconnect is simply by stating the intention of doing so.
When you disconnect from the universe, your sense of purpose, creativity, and ability to be innovative are not as easy to access. You may also experience a deep and empty sense of longing or feel devoid of ideas or unworthy of love. It’s important, however, to recognize that being disconnected from the universe is never a permanent state, and it can be reversed any time you decide that you are ready to reconnect. When you are connected to the universe, all aspects of your being will feel alive as the flow of the universe pours through your being and into your life.
Doesn’t that sound easy-peasy? Don’t they make it seem like flipping a switch and you’re back to golden?
Truth is, it’s both hard as hell and easy as pie simultaneously. Being separated from the Divine is like trying to wake up from a bad dream when you know it’s a dream. All you have to do is wake up! Yet you struggle to wake up. Your conscious mind struggles against the sleep. It’s like being two steps off the path in a dark wood. You know you’re close, but you’re not sure which direction the two steps are to take. It’s like wanting to change your life but being stuck in a habitual self-destructive rut. The wanting is easy, the doing, not so much.
Today’s goals:
- Wake up from the bad dream.
- Find the book.
- Be grateful for at least two things in my day.
- Finish the dishes.
- Actively listen to my children when they talk.
Image credit to http://www.ancientartizen.com/ Check it out for some great spiritual photography.
Mess 2 Success 