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the-divine-sacred2web1I belong to an online recovery group for idiots codependents dealing with addiction in their lives.  I now have my very own collection of three addicts, past and present.  I’m thinking about getting them bronzed, I just don’t think I have enough shelf space.

Anyway, on the sidebar of said recovery group is a link to The Daily Om.  I often click through and read whatever three paragraphs of wisdom are being offered, but most of the time my response is, “yeah, read it before.  I mean, that’s cool, and I totally agree, but tell me something I don’t know.”  You know, because I’m already enlightened, and bored with it already.

Today, however, was to be a little different for me.  I was really really struggling with some pain around addiction.  I was feeling really tired and fed up and a whole lot of pissed off that I had been a victim of addiction in my life.  In fact, just hours before I read today’s Daily Om, I had my face squashed into a pillow and I was crying and yelling at God.  Oh yeah, sometimes God needs a good stern talking to by a little 5 foot woman with a mighty big anger.

It seemed to me that there were only two sides in addiction.  Addicts, and everyone else.  Addicts got to play all sorts of mind-f**k games with everyone else, they got to be forgiven their repeated transgressions, and if things got too painful, they always had their disease to sink back into.  Oh hey, I get it (not really) that addicts are suffering too, but I’ve been in both rooms (not as an addict, just as an observer) and I see addicts crying about resisting their addiction and that’s about it. Then I see everyone else crying about lost money, lost relationships, wrecked cars, lost lives of loved ones, bringing their children to the jail to visit their addicted parent, and so on.  Point is, it all seemed so outrageously UNFAIR to me, and I’ve been stuck in that for quite a while.  So stuck that it was eating me up from the inside out and tonight I was all in a rage with God.  Not that I believe in the God of the bible, but my God.  God is merely a convenient word for me to sum up the Divine.  And it sounds way more dramatic to say, “Oh God, WHY?”, instead of “Oh Divine, why for art thou punishing me so?”  (I totally botched that, didn’t I?)

Then I read a friend’s post about God and how she too doesn’t believe in the God of the bible, but could not imagine having made it through her recovery without her connection to whatever that is that she calls God.  And I was all, hmmmm, that sounds nice, but no, I’m not there.  Then I read the Daily Om, and I was all, CRAP!  At that point, my raging into my pillow was sandwiched between two messages about connecting with the Divine.  Hoo boy.

Apparently, it’s all my fault too.  Just read…

We all experience periods where we feel separated from the loving ebb and flow of the universe. These times of feeling disconnected from the source may occur for many reasons, but self-sabotage is the most common cause for us choosing to cut ourselves off from the flow of the universe. We purposefully, though often unconsciously, cut ourselves off from this flow and from the embrace of humanity so we can avoid dealing with painful issues, shun the necessary steps for growth, or prevent the success that we are afraid of achieving from ever happening. When you choose to disconnect from the source, you block the flow of the universe’s energy from passing through you. You become like a sleepwalker who is not fully awake to life, and your hopes, plans, and dreams begin to appear as distant blurs on a faraway horizon. Universal support has never left you, but if you can remember that you became disconnected from source by choice, you can choose to reconnect.

Reconnecting with the universe grounds you and is as easy as you making a concerted effort to become interested in the activities you love or responding to what nurtures or stimulates you. You may also want to make a list of the activities and kinds of experiences that touch your soul. Try to pinpoint the times when you have felt fully engaged and aware and ask yourself what you were doing. But one of the easiest ways to reconnect is simply by stating the intention of doing so.

When you disconnect from the universe, your sense of purpose, creativity, and ability to be innovative are not as easy to access. You may also experience a deep and empty sense of longing or feel devoid of ideas or unworthy of love. It’s important, however, to recognize that being disconnected from the universe is never a permanent state, and it can be reversed any time you decide that you are ready to reconnect. When you are connected to the universe, all aspects of your being will feel alive as the flow of the universe pours through your being and into your life.

Doesn’t that sound easy-peasy?  Don’t they make it seem like flipping a switch and you’re back to golden?

Truth is, it’s both hard as hell and easy as pie simultaneously.  Being separated from the Divine is like trying to wake up from a bad dream when you know it’s a dream.  All you have to do is wake up!  Yet you struggle to wake up.  Your conscious mind struggles against the sleep.  It’s like being two steps off the path in a dark wood.  You know you’re close, but you’re not sure which direction the two steps are to take.  It’s like wanting to change your life but being stuck in a habitual self-destructive rut.  The wanting is easy, the doing, not so much.

Today’s goals:

  • Wake up from the bad dream.
  • Find the book.
  • Be grateful for at least two things in my day.
  • Finish the dishes.
  • Actively listen to my children when they talk.

Image credit to http://www.ancientartizen.com/ Check it out for some great spiritual photography.

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I had every good intention of reading “The Easy Way to Quit Smoking” and I was sure I knew right where it was.  The same spot I left it six months ago when I half-heartedly picked it up to read.  Now I can’t find the thing and I’m convinced Flo knows where it is and isn’t telling me.

Today and tomorrow I will be straight out with work for end of the year wrap ups.   I’m here, behind the scenes, working on getting a good structure together for the blog.  The Bitches in my head can’t wait to be introduced.

Today’s Goals

  • Work steadily until quittin’ time.
  • Bore myself to death Meditate for at least 15 minutes.
  • Self-torture exercise for 20 minutes.
  • Do all the house paperwork that is stacked so high I can’t see the television I’m behind on.

7:40 p.m. Update: 1 out of 4 ain’t bad, right?  Sigh.  I have a long way to go to get from “mess” to “success”.

Stayed tuned for “Meet the Bitches That Live in My Head”.

Internet? Meet Flo

a15smoke_1-1

I don’t want to die, but Flo does.  Flo shares a body with me and Flo likes to smoke.  I hate it.  I hate the smell, the taste, the after-smell, the after-taste, the tightness in my chest, the being out of breath after a brisk walk.  I hate what it does to my skin and my teeth.  I hate having to hide it from people I respect, I hate making people feel like I don’t like them when I refuse to give them a ride in my car because I’m embarrassed about how my car smells like stale ashtray.

Not so with Flo.  Flo loves to kick back with a good American Spirit and just chill.  Flo loves to smoke while she writes because it makes her feel powerful and smarmy and tortured.  Flo loves to smoke with a couple of my friends and catch up on the gossip (I don’t like gossip either, nope).  Flo loves to smoke just before bed, reveling in that last cigarette.

Flo is a bitch and she’s trying to kill me!  She doesn’t pay me any rent for cohabitating  in my skull, she spends my hard earned money on cigarettes, she sets a bad example for my kids, and she’s stupid and a bully to boot.  Do you know that Flo didn’t start smoking until she was 30?  Do you know that she started while living at a meditation center nestled on 500 acres of Vermont forest with beautifully clean air?  I’ve been trying to tell Flo how stupid she’s being, but she’s a stubborn bitch and won’t listen to me.  Take this conversation we had just last night.

Me: Flo, you know, I’m tired of you smoking.  You spend so much money on your precious cigarettes and for what?  You’re just stinking up the place!

Flo: Oh shut up.  It’s not that bad.  Spray some Febreeze around.  Burn some incense.

Me: I’m not going to let you smoke anymore Flo, and that’s that.  You’re killing us slowly and I want to live!  AND I want nice skin.  I’m almost 40, and 40 is the new 14 dontcha know?

Flo: Fine, I won’t smoke anymore.  Happy now?

Me: Yes.  Um, that was easy.

Flo: What made you think it would be hard?  I’m easy going.

Three hours later….

Flo: I want a cigarette.

Me: No.  I said no more Flo, now leave me alone, I’m trying to build a new header for my website.

Flo: Come on, just one and then I’ll help ya.  Two heads are better than one after all.  You know how creative I get when I smoke.

Me: Flo, that’s absurd.  Cigarettes do NOT make you more creative.

Flo: Yes they do.  Look at those tortured artists out there.  They all smoke!  Why?  Because smoking enhances creativity stupid.

Me: Van Gogh was against smoking, remember the smoking skull?

Flo: He smoked a pipe.

Me: Oh.  Well, I don’t think I ever saw Andy Warhol smoking…

Flo:  Oh, he smoked alright.  And so did Jackson Pollack, and

Me: Ok, I get it.  Still, they smoked because they THOUGHT it made them more creative.  There is no scientific evidence whatsoever to support such a ridiculous theory.

Flo: Just one cigarette, then I swear I’ll quit tomorrow.  Come onnnnnnnnn.

Me: No.

5 minutes later…

Flo: I want a cigarette.

Me: Nooooo.

Flo: I WANT. a CIGARETTE.

Me: I said no.

(10 second pause)

Flo:  I WANT A CIGARETTE AND I WANT IT NOW AND I’M GOING TO TORTURE YOU ALL BLOODY NIGHT IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME ONE RIGHT NOW!!!

Me:  Oh fine!  Just shut up so I can finish this.

Internet, I told you Flo was a bully.  Now do you believe me?

Today’s Goal: Read four chapters of The Easy Way to Stop Smoking: Join the Millions Who Have Become Non-Smokers Using Allen Carr’s Easyway Method

That’s what my mama always used to say.  Actually, when ever I was down, my mama (who would still take me over her knee if she knew I was calling her that) would quote me some Joni Mitchell wisdom.  Damn, she loved that woman.

Welcome to Mess 2 Success.  When I woke up today, January 1, 2009, I was determined to get back on track.  Or on track for the first time, depending on how you want to look at it.  I was always a fighter.  A toughish life had nurtured my inherent firecracker attitude, and I fought every step of the way to get on a runaway train headed for Crashville.  There’s something funny about runaway trains headed for Crashville…they always seem to gain speed right before the wreck.  And there’s something funny about fighting to get on that train in the first place.

So I’m picking myself up out of the wreckage, dusting myself off, and telling the whole blogosphere and anyone else who will listen, “It ain’t over until it’s over!”  Here I will chronicle my journey from “mess” to “success”.  Success, of course, being a personal definition that I intend to make up as I go.  Here I will share all the best self-help wisdom and techniques from the “experts” and from my very own head.

I hope to make you laugh, to make you cry, and to make you laugh until you cry.  Join me in the festivus of self-actualization, self-improvement, self-discovery, self-love, and spiritual discovery.    And so we begin.